Dear Denise Richards

There are certainly more effective, and heavens knows more socially acceptable, ways to get rid of faulty technology.
I mean, I'm with ya' honey. I know how aggravating that can be. The battery was charged just an hour ago, and already the icon says you're low on juice. How can you defend your rights to privacy, and keep those pesk paparazzi at bay, when that Dell 360 won't even boot up properly?
Safe mode? What good is that? The screen is locked in such a low resolution that those jpgs of you and the kids you're trying to keep for your private (that's friends and family only, passwords please!) flickr account can't even be quickly moved off the hard drive onto a memory stick. Easy as pie, and a breeze to stash in a place that's close to your heart. (Like neatly tucked into the top of your cup, girlfriend. Always works for me!)
You shouldn't let technology get the best of you like that. You've got the means, just upgrade to something more reliable. Heck, you may even want to try a Mac. They say the GUI is amazing. Give your old laptop to the kids to bang around with. Or better yet, surf on over to Everything2 and try out some of their suggestions of how to use that tired machine.
And one last tip; don't try bringing that laptop back to the store and say you "dropped it by accident." I've read through the fine print on the warranty and no where does it state that they cover damages resulting from dropping the machine off a balcony onto an 82-year old woman in a wheelchair. Just an FYI for ya.

Call me, we'll do lunch.